All I want for my birthday is a beer that isn’t green

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Don’t get me wrong, I love having a St. Patrick’s Day birthday. It’s not a major holiday like Christmas, Thanksgiving or Easter that would overrun any other celebration. St. Patrick’s Day is basically a party holiday, and it’s great having a birthday that everyone celebrates. It’s especially poignant with this being my 40th birthday.

However, the one thing that irks me is the holiday’s obsession with green.

I want a beer that isn’t doused with food coloring. I want a cake that doesn’t have green frosting or feature a four-leaf clover. I don’t want to be asked if I’m Irish or if I’ve found my pot of gold or if U2 is my favorite band, too.

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And any soul who doth forsake my color green on my day, thou shalt kill.

I don’t wear green out of principle on my birthday. (And before you ask, not even my underwear. I go commando.) When I told my stepson this (who was seven at the time), he was horrified. “How do you avoid getting pinched?!” He howled.

That’s simple, I said. I go to HR.

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